TOM EAGAN

novellas, plays & poetry

available from

ARAN PRESS

502-568-6622

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CANNON FIRE - #6 IN TALES OF THE HALL series.  An update of Dante's Divine Comedy. Attorney Nick Carlin gets a tour of Hell, Purgatory and Heaven and encounters many an attorney he knew in all three places. Life lasts a minute. Eternity is forever. Paperback 148 pp. $10 postpaid.) ISBN 0-9661588-8-1.

 

Some comments on CANNON FIRE:

"Associating a lawyer with eternal verities is like asking a Hollywood starlet to comment on virginity, but in this case Tom Eagan has a background in philosophy and literature so he is not all torts and habeas corpi. He knows his Dante and as a lawyer he has seen his fair share of hell. Don't let his droll humor fool you; he is just getting you attention in Cannon Fire."

Dr Richard McCracken, DHL

* **

"Tom has done a fantastic job of explaining the new philosophy of self-determination. He rightly undermines the old thinking that victimization and dependency are virtues instead of vices. Recommend you read it."

Robert A. Florio, Attorney at Law, Louisville, Kentucky

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"I got through Tom's book and found him to be bright and fascinating. A good read. He certainly knows hell." Dr Maureen Halligan, 93 Professor Emerita of Theatre

***

"I found the book both perceptive and imaginative, compelling, hard to put down."

J. Robert DuBois, Playwright and Denver realtor

***

"I am not an avid reader, but it was so good I finished it in two days."

Tony Dixon, Louisville Postal Clerk

***

"Intriguing. Could not put the book down! You won't either."

Larry Ball, Court Liason -CMDC

***

"Great!"

Dennis Olgin, Louisville Attorney At Law

***

"Tom Eagan's last book [CANNON FIRE] was an easy read with twists. Very interesting!"

Keith McKinney, Louisville attorney

***

"Tom Eagan when working on this novella was obviously at death's door. The reading was dark, heavy and excellent."

Teddy B. Gordon, Supreme Court Lawyer

***

"A colorful, clever, cogent, coherent, controversial, conscientious, conservative, Christian commentary. Mr. Eagan's imagination, wit, and erudition are boundless."

Mike Morris, Louisville, Kentucky, Attorney

***

"Foccacio bread dipped in olive oil, a sip of chianti, and the reader is transported as he delves into a retelling of Dante's DIVINE COMEDY. Enjoy CANNON FIRE by Tom Eagan. Embrace the ambiance."

Charles D. Summers, author of The AMBER FILE

***

"I've been through heaven, hell and purgatory with Tom. CANNON FIRE is his best ever!"

Thomas A. McAdam III, teleoligist

***

"Wonderful!"

Jerry L. McCullum, Attorney

***

"It sucks, but it's okay."

Howard Lerner, Louisville Attorney at Law

***

 

"Divine!"

Robert J. Stauble, Louisville Attorney

 

***

" 'Cogito Ergo Sum' Henceforth most of my friends are not."

Colonel J. Andrew White, Esq.

 

***

It's been awhile since I've reviewed a Tom Eagan book. I'm happy to report he hasn't lost any of his humor or imagination. Cannon Fire is another thought-provoking chapter on America's legal history, the sort of cautionary tale at which Eagan excels. This latest book is a modern update of Dante's Divine Comedy.

Nick Carlin is a successful River City lawyer known as the "Velvet Fist." He's clever and thorough in his investigation and defense of clients, respected by his peers, and considers himself to be a good and honest man. Carlin's perception of life, God, and ethics changes when a colleague gives him a personalized guided tour of Purgatory, Hell, and Paradise. The horrifying sights he sees on his way to enlightenment include many dead colleagues he thought were "good and honest" men like him.

As Carlin and his guide proceed through Limbo and the eight circles of Hell, he encounters lost, lazy souls, blaming everyone else for their fates, denying any blame. The tour spirals downward, to the very bowels of horrible hell. Suffering peers along the way tell their personal stories of fast food gluttony, addiction to MTV, and adulterous relationships. In Purgatory, Carlin meets dead friends and co-workers struggling to shed their vices, seeking perfection in pleasant terraces climbing towards Heaven. Some succeed through trial and enlightenment. Others fail through lack of faith or determination. Traveling the glowing spheres of Paradise, Carlin meets thinkers, saints, martyrs, leaders, and mystics who have changed the world with their goodness. He learns that Paradise is not where he belongs, and that he's eventually bound for Hell. In the end, Carlin awakes from a dream knowing that he, alone, can choose his destination.

Tom Eagan's books are always interesting, unusual, and unlike any other novels. His writing fascinates and amuses, despite the dark undercurrents of truth he reveals. If you haven't discovered Eagan's Tales From the Hall, start with this one. An election year seems the ideal time for readers to enlighten themselves about Hell and what lands us there.

Review by Laurel Johnson

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THE SKULL - #5 in TALES OF THE HALL series. Intelligent Design versus the Darwinists in the Scopes trial in reverse. Two great attorneys, Bob Schaad and Don Heavrin, square off. Paperback. 384 pp. $24.95 postpaid.) ISBN 0-9661588-7-3.

Some comments on THE SKULL:

 

"It reminds me a little of Plato's dialogs, Animal Farm, and John Grisham's works. It is however more fanciful and fun than any of them."

- Rick Rickland

***

 

"Tom Eagan combines in his writing the fine details of a master craftsman with the sweeping strokes of a man of convictions. His conclusions take my breath away!"

- Mary Krause, actress

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"If there were a little bit of Schaad in all of us, there would be no need for public defenders."

-Keith McKinney, Attorney

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"All deputies, anyone seeing Schaad, send him to courtroom so and so - The daily call for the court deputies in every court looking for Schaad!"

- Sheriff Jasm Poole

 

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"Mr. Eagan's best work yet. This one really hits the nail on the head."

- Deputy Ray Nichter

 

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"Eagan's getting pretty good at this stuff."

- Larry Osterhage, attorney

 

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"Eagan does it again! Move over Twain, Hemingway, et al. 21st Century American literature has its first superstar!"

- Dennis Burke, attorney

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"Tom Eagan's novel runs the gamut from The Hitch-hikers' Guide to the Galaxy to Moby Dick in explaining the meaning of life. I can't decide if it's awesomely phenomenal. . . or phenomenally awesome!!"

- R. J. Atkinson, New York actor

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"Spellbinding!"

- Robert J. Stauble, Attorney

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"Tom has the rare ability to see the goodness of man and laugh at his imperfections. He graphically portrays the pursuit of truth and the hilarious journey it is. A funny read."

- E. H. Tingle, Attorney at Law

 

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"It appears that Tom Eagan is at it again,

With a boxcar of a novel, to add to his train.

He calls it "The Skull,"

It's exciting, not dull,

But the protagonist is really a pain.

 

The book's about a lawyer named Schaad,

Whose courtroom demeanor is bad.

He is usually late,

And makes the Court wait,

And the judges exceedingly mad.

 

Schaad is chronically deficient in cash,

And his clients are trailer-type trash.

His sartorial style,

Is exceedingly vile,

and his courtroom antics are rash.

 

While defending a case of simple assault,

He says his client's not really at fault.

The theory of evolution,

Is the defense's solution,

To bring court proceedings to a halt.

 

And despite the hero's sad failings,

And many contempt-of-court jailings,

He pleads for the defense,

With argument that makes sense,

And laughs at the prosecutor's wailings.

 

But the jury just won't seem to budge,

And the prosecutor is nursing a grudge.

Leaving Schaad little choice,

But to raise up his voice,

And try to make a monkey of the Judge.

 

At long last, the mystery is solved,

With much scientific theory involved.

Which just goes to show,

To readers in the know,

Eagan's writing has surely evolved."

- Thomas A. McAdam, III, Poet Lariat,

Will Rogers School of Aviation Nativgation

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"As exciting as my own comic book series, Thief: The Adventures of John Argent, (Issue #1, vol. 2 available for $2 at P.O. Box 812, Louisville, KY 40201).

- Rene Blansette

Rainbow Bridge Productions.

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"Dark, complex, a quagmire."

- Detective Don Wright

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"The author's word smithing genius is one of the best-kept secrets in the Midwest. This is his best yet, and one of the most riveting and compelling novels that I have ever read. It was hard to put the book down each night, and I eagerly waited resuming the galloping saga the next evening.

With little advance notice, belly laughs will erupt at every turn, so be sure to prepare your family as you disembark. Very innovative plot, which magically mixes a historic "reverse" Scopes Monkey Trial down in rural Kentucky with state of the art Intelligent Design (ID), and involves a judge who is bigger than life and has a more colorful and resounding character than Judge Haller of My Cousin Vinny fame.

This is a must-read, with lots of insights into humankind and the endearing foibles that we all enjoy about our own friends interspersed throughout this excellent, rip-roaring story, with enough roller coaster excitement and character magnetism to become a blockbuster!"

- Jerry McCullum, Attorney

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"This fifth in the Tales of the Hall series is innovative, colorful, humorous, and just a touch dark. Eagan calls himself a 'hackmeister' but he's anything but that. He excels at serio-comic parables of our modern world and rich characterizations of the often bizarre people whose foibles make up humankind. I keep waiting for him to be 'discovered' by the media. Imagine a Quentin Tarantino film, black and dramatically devastating, starring every major comedic talent of our time.

 

Bob Schaad is a River City attorney who seems to be forever in the spotlight, even in his dreams. Schaad is an enigmatic man who fears he has become a caricature without dignity among his peers. His clients never seem to have the means to pay his fees. He drives a battered clunker of a car; his suits look like he slept in them, which is often the case. Still, he sails through his daily court appearances with panache.

 

When an old client, Bobby Jo Cratchit, is arrested for assault in Bone County, Schaad sallies forth to defend him. Cratchit is a long time thief who wouldn't deliberately harm anyone. But his oldest daughter, the first Cratchit who ever 'had a brain' -- nicknamed The Skull -- is dead from suspected suicide and the grieving father blames her biology teacher. He's attacked his daughter's High School biology teacher and beaten him to a pulp. Schaad knows there must be more to the story than simple assault and sets out to find the proof needed to clear his client.

 

Presiding Judge Beltcher hopes for just one interesting case before his tenure in Bone County ends. He gets what he hoped for when Schaad and Cratchit come into his court. Prosecutor Henry Doorman is wet behind the ears and no match for Schaad's defense shenanigans, so enlists attorney / icon Don Heavrin to assist. What ensues is a riotously funny and surprisingly poignant portrayal of the law and what it has become in America today.

 

As his defense tactic, Schaad invokes the theory of evolution. It's a case of Intelligent Design vs. Darwin's theory as Schaad pursues the Scopes trial in reverse. In one of the most interesting closings I've ever experienced, Schaad hits his stride by waxing eloquent on the topics of philosophy, abortion, euthanasia, man's law vs. God's, and other hot button issues of the modern era. The bottom line is a teenage girl is dead due to the failings of her school system and a grief stricken father attacked the teacher who failed her.

 

Tom Eagan writes with intelligence and passion in equal portions. His characters are endearing, charismatic and colorful. The story is engrossing and gains momentum as Schaad systematically skewers every failing known to man and modern law. The author clearly understands human imperfections, yet creates each character and scenario with compassion. Eagan's work stands out because of its complexity, humor, and stark reflections of human life as we know it."

 

­ Laurel Johnson

Midwest Book Review

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"A modern drama more relevant than most of us care to admit."

- Joe Irwin

police officer

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"I found the book to be a novel and interesting approach to the theories of Evolution Vs. Creationism, so widely discussed today.

The 'Scopes' type treatment using local courts and local trial attorneys in the process made interesting reading, particularly to those familiar with the law."

- Edwin A. Schroering, Jr.

Circuit Judge, Retired

 

""The SKULL is a great read."

- Tim McCarthy, avid reader

 

"The three authors who have influenced my life and my education the most are-without a doubt- William Faulkner, Ernest Hemingway, and Tom Eagen. Or is it Egan? Or Eagan. Or whatever. Genius is genius."

- Paul M. Neel, student

Western Kentucky University

 

"Awe-inspiring."

- Judge James C. Nicholson (retired)

 

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ISTANBUL! - #4 in TALES OF THE HALL series (see below)-- Twelve attorneys on a vacation they will never forget. (184 pp. Paperback. $14.95 postpaid)    ISBN 0-9661588-4-9

 

"Mr. Eagan's characters are vulnerable, cryptic, and portray a very human picture of American innocents in a dangerous land. What befalls these twelve attorneys in Istanbul can never be told Stateside without appearing delusional. This is an unusual parable, a tale of our modern world, well told. Istanbul! is a serio-comic coup."

------ Laurel Johnson

Midwest Book Review

Tom Eagan's a little bit quirky,

And his novels are often quite murky;

But his latest, "'Stanbool,"

Shows that Tom is no fool,

As a playwright he sure knows his Turkey!

Set in the mysterious East,

Descending into the belly of the beast;

With Byzantine twists,

In the Dardanelles' mists,

The book is a literary feast.

Tom tells of a group of attorneys,

And of their fantastical journeys;

"'Stanbool" has no equal,

(Unless there's a sequel,

And attorneys their journeys returnies.)

- Thomas A. McAdam, III

Moot Point, Kentucky

 

"Blockbuster!"

­ Robert J. Stauble, Attorney

 

"I just got off the roller coaster called ISTANBUL!, and my legs are still wobbly. The cars bump along slowly at first as the characters are introduced, but when the plot begins to take off it spins and whirls and plummets and loops until the very end, leaving the reader stunned and breathless. What an exotic adventure!"

- Mary Krause, actress

 

"ISTANBUL! is a hoot! One wild rollercoaster ride with a ton of laughs."

- Louis Phillips, poet/playwright

 

"Tom Eagan is a hidden talent and author worth reading. He is creative, and his writing style will keep the reader's interest page after page."

- Frankin S. Yudkin, author of Next Dance

 

"ISTANBUL! reminds me of burnt coffee and strong blended tobacco."

- Charles D. Summers, author of Double-Edged Sword

 

"I am telling all my friends to read this excellent novel. ISTANBUL! is not a bunch of bull."

- John Fowler, attorney and canine lover

 

"Pulitzer prize material!"

- Steve Esselman, attorney

 

"Interesting. If you read between the lines, you'll find there are no words there."

- J. Andrew White, Esq.

 

"Wonderful."

- Linda Y. Atkins, author of Absence of Reason and But Names will Never Hurt Me.

 

"Tom Eagan is at it again, poking sleighty fun at our foibles, yours and mine, our pretensions. No matter where - the venerable Hall of Justice or New Albany, Indiana or the swarthiest Turkey this side of a Greek polemic - Eagan (who obviously has never been snowed) portrays what we are and what we profess to stand for.

Bravo."

- Gerald McDaniel, author of Aindreas: The Messenger, The Scribe, and (work in progress) Night Sweats and Graffiti.

 

(184 pp. Paperback. $14.95 postpaid)    ISBN 0-9661588-4-9

 

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THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT BANDWEIGHTS

A comedy in two acts

by Tom Eagan

Cast 13 men and 5 women. (Doubling possible)

Set: area staging, various.

Alan Stockdale is a sales clerk in a Denver, Colorado, department store. Grace Le Fleur is a Hollywood starlet on vacation from her husband/producer, Irving Turnbull. Grace Le Fleur manages to turn Alan's life upside down. ". . . genuine comedy, wit, reasonably real love, ambition, silliness, and an almost credible happy ending." ­ ­ Phil O'Mara, English Professor, Bridgewater College

Book $5.00. Royalties $30-$20.

 

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AUTUMN SONNETS - A chapbook for unrequited lovers. "Tom Eagan's Autumn Sonnets is a superbly presented compendium of 108 love sonnets with a special emphasis on the pain of unrequited love and the necessity for recovery without abandonment of this basic human condition that has, at one time or another, afflicted or affected us all." ­ Wisconsin Bookwatch, February, 2002.

***

"If you love poetry in any form, give AUTUMN SONNETS a try."­ Laurel Johnson, Midwest Book Review, 2003

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"Autumn Sonnets  is the perfect antidote to a 'world full of so many cares and worries.' (See sonnet #65) A book to savor, it fills the heart with that precious commodity called hope." ­ Kate Grilley, author of Death Dances to a Reggae Beat.

 

* * *

 

"These witty sonnets strike an informal, unpretentious tone that is downright endearing. Although Eagan is familiar with the entire gamut of Western literature ("Your beauty and wisdom would have thrown/Artemis, Athena, and Aphrodite off their game,/and Greek mythology just wouldn't be the same!"), he also uses a lot of modern imagery-and aside from demonstrating poetic clarity, he proves that a poet can be just plain fun to read." ­ Bruce Feld, author of Cleopatra in the Night and other poems.

 

* * *

"It's refreshing, in an age of poetry either drained of blood by logy academics or cranked out in a boozy haze by hacks who don't know the meaning of 'rewrite,' to find this volume of passionate, yet disciplined writing. Highly recommended for any member of that rare species, the Hopeful Romantic."

­ Robert L. Penick, Editor, Chance Magazine

 

* * *

"If we could capture time in a bottle. Re-live our past. Undo our mistakes. If the heart and mind were one. If we were yet young. If only . . . Tom's work is full of human emotion. Nostalgia, mirth, sadness, pain, hope and, of course, foolishness. Well done!" ­ Bill Hartlage, Fishing fool and critic

 

* * *

"Classic!" ­ Robert J. Stauble, Attorney

 

* * *

" I think I know why the mattress of the horney Brother Tobias needed to be hosed and aired out. A match would have spared the Brothers, and us, 101 pages of Brother T's own version of Perpetual Suffering." ­ Dick McCracken, bon vivant

* * *

"Witty, charming and amusing!" ­ Joel Selker, Deputy Clerk

 

* *

"When I gaze upon it, the sonnet,

the eras of bards come to mind.

There's Shakespeare enshrined

and others who shine. . . .

Here's a mention of those, so divine:

Shelly and Keats and earlier Dunne,

Herrick, Lovelace, and Suckling

were witty and fun. And now

in the present, oh joy! And oh bliss!

After many long years, we can add

to the list . . . . the name of Tom Eagan.

His "Autumn Sonnets" number 108.

A pleasure to read them. They really are great.

A bard for the new millennium, . . . .thanks, fate!"

­  R. J. Atkinson, N.Y. actor and author

 

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"An eccentric and eclectic new genre in the field of poetry has been ordained. Eagan is the best living writer to reflect the romanticism vibrantly alive in the lost generations of Kerouac and Ginsberg. A true wit." ­ E. H. Tingle, Attorney at Law

 

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"Tom Eagan may call himself 'the hackmeister of the Midwest,' but he has proven himself wrong in AUTUMN SONNETS."­ Christian Garrison author of the Ace Chaney novels Snake Doctor and Paragon Man

 

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"No one who has loved can fail to keenly appreciate this tale of love as smooth as prose, as touching and humorous and painful as are all such adventures of the heart!" ­ Mary Krause, Shakespearean actress

 

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"Sonnets #20, #68 and #73 expose the heart for everything it can be." ­ Roy Skaggs, III, flanuer

 

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"If Shakespeare was the Bard, then Eagan must be the Card." ­ Séan Doyle, Clerk's Literary Review

 

* * *

"Petrarch invented the sonnet; Shakespeare perfected the sonnet; Eagan has made the sonnet extinct." ­ Jules Tasca, award-winning playwright, author of "Deus-X," "Romeo and Juliet are Lovers," and so much more

 

* * *

"What an appetite for experience, and what variety of tone, form and mood! Some of the individual lines and images are solidly memorable and strong. . ." ­ Phil O'Mara, English Professor, Bridgewater College

 

AUTUMN SONNETS - 120 pp. ($14.95 postpaid) ISBN 0-9661588-6-5

THE NOVELLAS:

TALES OF THE HALL SERIES

FIRE DANCERS OF BALI, a roman à clef novella by Tom Eagan. First of the TALES OF THE HALL series. The devil hires Oliver Wendell Hackett, an attorney in a small city in the midwest to represent him.

In The FireThe Dancers of Bali, Tom Eagan has done for the 'Arraignment Bar' what Joseph Wambaugh did for cops. And for good measure, Eagan threw in a heady mix of Celtic doomsaying and Old Testament psychology. Long live TALES OF THE HALL!" -- Gerald McDaniel, author of Fall Down Dreams.

"Riveting!" -- Robert J. Stauble, Attorney.

"Couldn't put it down," -- Alice Patterson, Attorney.

"The Fire Dancers of Bali is filled with memorable characters, a fascinating story line -- mostly comedic -- a detective story wearing a plaid jacket -- and an ending which will shake you out of your pants or dress, as the case may be." -- Alexander Panas, Playwright/actor hoping for a Nobel Prize or Pulitzer

"Oliver Wendell Hackett, the central character in Tom Eagan's novella, is probably the worst attorney in fiction -- and the funniest." -- Bruce Feld, Hollywood playwright/actor/theatre critic

"A moralistic romp through the demimonde of American justice." -- Roy Skaggs, III

"Scintillating, insightful and a great read. This is a fast-paced and hilarious work." -- Terry Wetherby, Attorney/poet

(97 pp. Paperback. $9.95 postpaid) ISBN 0-9661588-0-6.

***

BY LOVE REPOSSESSED, a novella by Tom Eagan. A tower attorney falls in love with a District Court bimbo and loses all powers of concentration. 2nd in series TALES OF THE HALL.

"Part Charles Dickens, part Donald Westlake, By Love Repossessed is a trainwreck of emotions, humor, and pathos. Eagan creates a situation common to all: The decision whether or not to risk one's heart for LOVE... Do yourself a favor and read this book." Robert L. Penick, Editor, Chance Magazine.

"A love story to enchant the disenchanted. . ." -- Mary Krause, Shakespearean actress

"Eagan exposes the realities of law partnerships." -- Nicholas W. Carlin, Attorney

"A spell-binding story. Reminds us of what really is important in life. A brief insight into the legal mind, human drama and what a jealous mistress the law can be." -- William Edward Hartledge, Attorney-at-Law

"Electrifying! Shakespeare, Voltaire, Hemingway and Eagan. the literary genius of our fading millennium." -- John Fowler, III, Attorney and animal rights wacko.

"An Eagan triumph. Pure schlock at its finest." -- Sean Doyle, from the clerk's Literary Review

(102 pp. Paperback $9.95 postpaid) ISB 0-9661588-2-2.

***

RUMORS OF JUSTICE, a roman à clef novella by Tom Eagan. Well-respected attorney Howard Lerner loses all credibility and respect when he tries to get the Ten Commandments back in the courtrooms. (He really doesn't want to do it, but he is haunted and harassed by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson to do so.)

"No matter one's opinion on the subject, this is a short, thought-provoking story that is well worth reading." -- Dead Trees Review

"When Hollywood finally finds Tom Eagan's TALES OF THE HALL series, if he's too busy to write the screenplay, I hope he'll let me do it!" -- Tom White, playwright, author of SILO STUD

"Eagan is one of the few genuine satirists writing today..." -- Louis Phillips, poet, playwright, and short story writer

"RUMORS OF JUSTICE is the greatest discovery of all the lost books concerning TALES OF THE HALL." -- L. Bradley Law.

"RUMORS OF JUSTICE should be read on a par with the lost books of the BIBLE." -- R. J. Atkinson, NY Actor staring in PLUNKET OF TAMMANY HALL

"What a tremendous pleasure and exceeding joy it was for me to read RUMORS OF JUSTICE. It is an excellent work. Not only is it wonderful reading,but its educational value is measureless. This book has renewed a desire in me to work diligently to see the foundations of our country re-established upon biblical standards for morality." -- Cecil A. Blye, Jr., President, Abundant Life Ministries, Inc.

(128 pp. Paperback. $9.95 postpaid.) ISBN 0-9661588-3-0.

***

ISTANBUL! - #4 in TALES OF THE HALL series -- Twelve attorneys on a vacation they will never forget. (184 pp. Paperback. $14.95 postpaid) ISBN 0-9661588-4-9

THE SKULL - #5 in TALES OF THE HALL series. Intelligent Design versus the Darwinists in the Scopes trial in reverse. 384 pp. Paperback. $24.95 postpaid.) ISBN 0-9661588-7-3.

***********

SAYINGS OF THE SEER - Here in one small volume are the sayings, parables, prophecies, and songs of a most ancient of wisemen. If you want to befuddle your friends or test your ability to recognize true wisdom, this is the book for you. A great gift ­ The gift of wisdom! 111pp. Paperback. $5.00 postpaid.

THE PLAYS

AND I WAS KING?
by Tom Eagan
Cast: 6 men and 4 women. Two acts. Comedy. Set: a living room.
Martin and Bonnie, an American couple honeymooning in Europe, meet Rachel Antois in a cable car in Switzerland. Rachel tells Martin he was married to her in a former life. Martin thinks Rachel is nuts, but Bonnie is intrigued and accepts Rachel's invitation to visit her. At the Antois estate Martin and Bonnie find Rachel's disinherited brothers plotting to have their sister committed to an asylum. Inadvertently, Martin and Bonnie may have provided the brothers with the ammunition they've needed to have Rachel locked away. The honeymooners set out to save Rachel, even if it jeopardizes their own marriage. Book $4.00. Royalty - $25 - $20.

***

CURRENT AFFAIRS
by Tom Eagan
Cast: minimum 1 man and 2 woman. Three one act comedies. Set: table and chairs.
CURRENT AFFAIRS is three one acts-"Ills & Bills," "Current Affairs," and "My Favorite Patient." In "Ills & Bills" Anita Letowski seeks out hospital administrator Martin Buber to complain about her thirty thousand dollar hospital bill incurred by several dubious organ-removing operations occasioned by a strained back muscle. In "Current Affairs" Hattie Edwards is a not-to-tightly wrapped volunteer visiting the Marvin Gardens Nursing Home to volunteer to lead a discussion group on current affairs. She encounters Col. E. J. Stribling, a patient at the home. Stribling pulls a gun on her and accuses her of being a spy or something-the whole thing is unfathomable to Hattie till she gets caught up in his crazy world. Finally, in "My Favorite Patient" it is Dr. David Dick's first day on the job as a staff psychiatrist at Standfast Memorial. In walks Cynthia Baxtermaker, a very attractive young woman with a kinky problem. Most recently staged July, 2002 at the Rudyard Kipling, Louisville, KY. Book $5.00 Royalty - $30 - $20 (all three) $10 - $8 (one act).

***

THE FEAST OF THE DANCING MONKEY
by Tom Eagan
Cast: 11 men and 10 women (doubling essential). Comedy-drama. Two acts. Set: area staging. Buddy Luccissi, a bum from Brooklyn, is about to marry an upstate, uppperclass Doris Beauford, but things don't quite work out the way they are supposed to. Buddy finds himself in Guatemala mistaken for an arch-rival of the corrupt Generalissimo Guano, and thrust into saving the beautiful Juanita from becoming Guano's bride. Book $5.00. Royalty -$40-$20.

***

LOVE IN NEW ALBANY

by Tom Eagan

Cast: 2 men; 2 women. One act. Farce. Set: chairs.

This farce is for all those whose favorite sport is not chronicled in the sports pages. George, a hardworking husband in his late 20's loses his wife Catherine (mid-twenties), to an ancient geezer, Burt, who roots for no team, but knows well the language of love. A cautionary tale for those who get too wrapped up in sports. Book: $3.00. Royalty - $20 - $5.

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MISS ZARKOFF IS MISSING
by Christian Garrison and Tom Eagan
Cast: 12 men and 12 women. Two acts. Farce. Set: hotel lobby.
Turdevania is a dumpy little Eastern European Socialist Republic. When a former Turd, now American citizen, offers a million dollar purse for a contest, Turdevania opens its arms and pockets. Five American high school girls are pitted against five Turd girls in the Turdevanian national sport teedlewitz, better known to the rest of the world as hopscotch. The American sponsor of the contest wants to open up the Turd market for his company's products. Commissar Britz is hell-bent on making sure the million bucks does not leave Turdevania. He needs it to replace the 500 thousand krochs he has embezzled from the Turdevanian State Treasury. Book $5.00. Royalty -$35 - $25.

***

MURDER FOR ONE
by Tom Eagan
Cast: 5 men and five women. Full-length drama. Whodunit. Set Banquet hall.
MURDER FOR ONE is a dinner theatre audience participation whodunit. Everyone in the audience assumes the role of a guest at a banquet to honor billionaire philanthropist Harry Hamilton. Trouble is Harry was murdered the morning of the banquet and the banquet audience is called upon to identify the murderer from the wrangling, finger-pointing suspects gathered at the head table. Surprises and twists keep the audience guessing right up till the last moment. And even if an audience member was tipped off by someone who saw the play the previous night, he may not have the right answer. Three different endings are provided. The audience will never know which ending will be used for any given performance. Two most recent productions have been in Nova Scotia: June, 2003 by the Cobequid Community Gardens Society, Truro. And in February, 2004 by Saint Mary's University Drama Society in Halifax. Book $5.00. Royalty - $35 - $20.

***

PUPPY LOVE
by Tom Eagan
Cast: 3 men and 2 women. Two acts comedy. Comedy/whodunit. Set: living room. "Not even my mother when I was born was as happy to see me as Dorie!" bawls Boris Domino recalling his dead dog. "Fang and I would sit for hours in silence, and more was said in that silence than a life-time of b.s. with people!" blubbers Paul Bisquick in response. Paul's dog Fang has just died, so thirty-five year old Paul is moving out of town; he can't stand being in a place where, "Every tree, every fire hydrant, every lampost" reminds him of Fang. While he is packing up to leave, however, both his teenage girl friend and his married girl friend show up. Also, an Inspector arrives to investigate the murder of a member of the "doggie club." Paul is under suspicion. Soon everyone is under suspicion. Would someone kill for the love of a dog?! A whodunit spoof dedicated to all dog lovers. Book $5.00. Royalty -$30-$20.

***

STAY OUT OF THE SOUTH
by Tom Eagan
Cast: 2 men and 7 women. Comedy. Three acts. Set: living room.
After twenty years of married life in New York City, widow Sylvia has retired to her hometown - a small, quiet, dull Southern city. Her New York brother-in-law Sam Baker, tired of the hassles of the Big Apple, is contemplating moving to a small town. Sam Baker has packed up his family and is headed in Sylvia's direction. To prevent Sam Baker and family from settling down in her hometown, Sylvia concocts a bunch of lies for her friends about Sam Baker. When Sam and family arrive they are greeted with strange behavior calculated to get them to leave town. (STAY OUT OF THE SOUTH was originally published by Performance Publishing under the title WHO INVITED THEM? and produced over the years in various small commuities in the Northwest.)
Book $5.00 Royalty - $35-20.

* * *

TEMPS
by Tom Eagan
Cast: 3 men and 1 woman. Two acts. Comedy. Set: table, desk, chairs.

Larry Largo runs a polling service. He uses office temporary workers to make calls for him. Because of bad credit, his sole source of temporary workers is Happy Temps Employment Agency. Normally, the Agency sends him girls-girls have "soft, reassuring voices," good for phone work. But Larry has run afoul of Happy Temps; he has been accused of making advances on one of the girls. So, Happy Temps has sent him three losers-Steve, a would-be sci-fy writer; B.D., an out-of-work actor, and May, who likes to reminisce. The basic gag of this light comedy is that in the course of the entire day, these temp "workers" don't do a single piece of work of benefit to anyone. Ironically, they may have fundamentally changed Larry's life. TEMPS premiered in Jackson, MS; reviewer Phil O'Mara wrote in the The Reporter: "Eagan has the craftsmanship to keep up the appearance of something happening or about to happen, and the wit to keep the jokes coming." Most recent production: Theatre of the Wolds, Driffield, England. Book $5.00. Royalty - $35 - $25.

***

THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT BANDWEIGHTS

by Tom Eagan

Cast 13 men and 5 women. (Doubling possible) A comedy in two acts, Set: area staging, various.

Alan Stockdale is a sales clerk in a Denver, Colorado, department store. Grace Le Fleur is a Hollywood starlet on vacation from her husband/producer, Irving Turnbull. Grace Le Fleur manages to turn Alan's life upside down. Book $5.00. Royalties $30-$20.

* * *

THINGS MADE OF BRASS
by Tom Eagan
Cast: 1 man and 1 woman. One act comedy/drama. Set: a table and two chairs.
One evening David Dodge comes home from work with a stick of dynamite in his attache case. His wife, Betty, is as usual jabbering on and on about the horrible day she had shopping, the green pipes she discovered in the bathroom, and one thing and another, as she urges David to hurry up and get ready for the surprise birthday party they're scheduled to attend. But David has a little surprise of his own. He takes out his stick of dynamite, secures a hammer, and quickly cowers Betty into listening for a change. The City Planning Board, of which David is a member, has just completed a plan that will double the size of the City. David has just realized that the plan will also destroy the town he grew up in. He wanted to blow up everyone on the Planning Board, but not having enough dynamite, he has settled on destroying himself and his mindless wife. Then Betty begins talking, and David discovers a woman beneath the social magpie. THINGS MADE OF BRASS is a serious comedy about things we don't often speak about in public or private, but things that are just below the surface in the consciousness of most Americans. Book $3.50. Royalty - $15 - $10.

***

TILL WE LOVE
by Tom Eagan
Cast: 1 man and 1 woman. Two acts. Comedy. Set: four chairs and a screen.
Bea and Harris have calmly agreed on a divorce. When they start dividing up their possessions, however, the tensions begin to surface. Harris can't stand Bea's smoking. Bea can't stand Harris' not standing her smoking. Bea wants to go out and celebrate their decision to get divorced like adults; Harris wants to stay home and have cokes. They argue about who is going to move out first; what lawyer to get; who is going to get the towels and stereo. They end up fighting over a can of shaving cream and Bea leaving half-naked. You wonder how a couple like this, who can't seem to agree on anything, ever got together. The next scene takes you back to how they met, and the rest of the play through the ups and downs of their relationship. TILL WE LOVE is a satirical comedy on how many Americans used to (and many still do) get together and break up. Basically, it's a tale of marry in lust, divorce in disgust, and get back together out of habit. Book $5.00. Royalty - $35 - $20.

***

THE UNSUCCESSFUL KROITZER
by Tom Eagan
Cast: 2 men and 1 woman. Two acts. Comedy. Set: a table and chair.
Allen Kroitzer is a ninety-four year old novelist who has been writing novels all of his life, and has never had anything published. Not even as much as a seventeen syllable haiku. He's living in a run-down tenement, and surviving on peanuts and tap water between Social Security checks, while he whittles away on his latest masterpiece. Carol Endoff, from the Literary World, comes knocking at his door to interview him about his latest novel - the one being published. This comes as quite a surprise to Allen. He is in a state of euphoria until he hears the title, Cold Night in Hell, and realizes Carol has the wrong Kroitzer. She wants Arthur Kroitzer (no relation) who lives down the hall in 4-A. Carol can't believe there are two unrelated Kroitzers, both novelists, living in the same building. Dazed, she finds Arthur, a much younger, sex-crazed, bourbon-guzzling author of a string of sex novels, who has a mansion and family upstate, but lives in the slums to get new material. Book $5.00. Royalty - 30 - $20.

***

WHEN A GIRL SAYS "YES"
by Tom Eagan
Cast: 1 man and 3 women. Two acts. Comedy. Set: a living room.
Mort Beardsley is rapidly approaching thirty, but has no career, and he would much more prefer feeding ducks in Central Park and making model airplanes to working. His absent, rich father has set Mort up in an employment agency business on the rationale that Mort will meet many different people in many different professions and settle on one of them - one of the professions that is. What Mort meets are girls from out of town who don't have a job, don't have a place to stay, and break down crying in his office...Mort brings them home. Book $5.00. Royalty - $35 - $25.

Tom Eagan is a Louisville, Kentucky, attorney. His website is at www.louisvilleattorney.biz

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